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Jeb Bearstone
03 June 2012 @ 08:41

I want to tell you about a friend of mine. Of course I can't actually call him a friend as such, he doesn't get on well with anyone, but I suppose I'm the nearest thing he's got to someone who can remain in his company and not lose an eye.

His name's Frank and he's a pigeon. Dead Frank, we call him. He's called Dead Frank because of his disposition and the fact that he's been hit by numerous buses and mauled by a rottweiller and, if you can believe him, a bear and is just too bloody stubborn to believe he couldn't live through all that.

He's not a handsome chap.

I'm one of the very few people he can just about trust and leave intact because we do each other favours. I let him sleep in my spare pigeon loft and get him food and beer now and then and he sometimes, when he's feeling generous, acts as muscle when I need to put the fear up those scrotes that try to rip me off in my "business" dealings. 

He looks like a chewed rock. He's lost half his beak, all of his toes, most of his feathers and his sense of humour.

The other day, he swears blind, he discovered a lion limping and exhausted and on the verge of collapse. His instinct was to beat the living crap out of it but then he noticed that the lion had a thorn stuck painfully in his paw.

Feeling a rare burst of sympathy (if you knew him you'd know how rare that is) he refrained from the beating and instead said, "Grow up, you girl!" And left him to it.

Later that day Dead Frank was cornered by a gang of ravens (yeah, those ravens, Tower of London Posse) who "didn't like his face" or some such bollocks excuse and started laying into him.

"Fuckers had tools!" Dead Frank shouted at my face when he told me this ale. "Fucking shivs! Bastards!"

But then the lion showed up and a couple of ravens shat themselves but the lion just sat down and made no move to intervene.

"Help us out, mate," Dead Frank used his most friendly of manners. "I'll get you a pie and a pint, yeah? Be a pal?"

But the lion told him in no uncertain terms to "Fuck off".

The ravens grinned and started moving towards finishing their bloody work but they didn't realise one very important thing. No one, but no one, tells Dead Frank to fuck off.

The lion suddenly found himself facing an enraged, half-chewed, pigeon shaped rock and was kicked halfway down The Strand and beaten bloody.

The ravens were long gone by then and have avoided Dead Frank ever since.

But Dead Frank holds a grudge, see. That boy won't let anything go.

His first act of revenge is being carried out today. He's going to be perched on London Bridge waiting for The Queen to pass underneath and he's going to try and let one go, as it were.

He's been a bit constipated of late though so I hope he doesn't explode or anything.

So yeah, watch out for that on the news.

Pigeon_2-550x367

 

 
 
Jeb Bearstone

On a recent fall down the stairs, completely drunk, I was delighted when a cleaning lady came over and gave me a bottle of mead. 

‘This is from the bins — I wanted to welcome you to the pavement and hope you had a great fall today,’ she explained.

You’re probably thinking ‘what a lovely surprise’. But while it was lovely, it wasn’t proper mead. At least, I don't think it was.

Img_0106

'Good looking bear': But Jeb Bearstone says that his pleasant exterior has been a mixed blessing, with many of his own kind becoming resentful, and have closed as many doors, right in his face, as they have opened.


Throughout my adult life, I’ve regularly had bottles thrown at me by people I don’t know. Once, a well-dressed lady bought my train ticket when I was standing by her legs in the queue. Well I say "bought" but she dropped her ticket and I nabbed it and ran.

Img_0096

Jeb takes pride in his appearance. He works out (how much beer he can get from a tenner), he smokes to look awesome cool and his appetite for pork pies is inspiring.

 

There was another occasion when a charming pigeon salesman paid my fare as I stepped out of a cab in Peckham. Stole my iPad mind.

Another time, as I was walking through London’s East Street market, I was tapped on the shoulder and punched in the face. Even bar tenders frequently shoo my credit card away when I try to settle my bill. They know not to trust my credit cards unfortunately. Cash only or get out.

Img_0092

'I'm 38 This year! Beat that, 37-year-olds. Mine's a pint, ta.'


And whenever I’ve asked what I’ve done to deserve such treatment, these people have always said the same thing: my pleasing exterior and winsome grin confuse the fuck out of everyone.

It's not easy being me.

Jebblur

Me having a day that's not easy.

 
 
Jeb Bearstone
04 March 2012 @ 15:45
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Jeb Bearstone
05 January 2012 @ 11:40

'ello, you lot.

Quick, listen to this before the police get it removed.

The Bearcast - Almost Nearly A Christmas Special 2011

Invalid video URL.

Download

I'd better go before they... what was that noise?

 
 
Jeb Bearstone

'ello, you lot.

Very nice to see that the stats for the last series of The Bearcast are quite good!

Episode 7 is the most popular episode to date and as well it should be. We put a lot of effort into that. It's really not that easy getting that drunk, not on our budget! So the donations of booze were gratefully received anyway but... yeah! Thanks, listener types. Get more ear'oles on to it and make us even prouder of you than we are already.

More booze would be nice too. And a pork pie please. Ta.

~ Jeb

 

Series 3 - Ep 7 - Made from saturated awesome with traces of epic.

 

There's still time to vote for us in the European Podcast Awards! So... please do!

 
 
Jeb Bearstone
07 October 2011 @ 13:02

'ello! The Bearcast continues with this very finale of a seventh episode in the current run.
In a remarkable feat of organisation I actually got these notes done well ahead of time! All ready to upload and everything. Eey!
Jeb and Nape return to inform you of their mind thinkings, observations, reviews, interviews and a couple of bangin' tunes thrown in for good measure and perhaps a soup-song of revenge... Eey!

Download

Tunes in this episode come from:

The Red Plastic Buddha - Forget Me Not
http://www.redplasticbuddha.com/

Chop Suzy - Goodbye
http://www.chopsuzymusic.com/


Please vote for us in the European Podcast Award and we'll send a pigeon over with some chocolate or something.
http://www.european-podcast-award.eu/uk/start/vote-and-win/personality/type/player/nc/1/uid/2209/podid/2209.html

Send feedback, go on! By pigeon to the usual pub rooftop or by that email thing on banter@bearcast.co.uk

[[posterous-content:unjiDhyntkBDrcttJdtC]]CopePope (Cheers, Jim!) and Cage Vampire!

Best not send any correspondance to The Red Lion at this stage, just in case.

bearcast.co.uk - You want to go to there!

 
 
Jeb Bearstone
07 October 2011 @ 12:18

'ello! The Bearcast continues with this very finale of a seventh episode in the current run.
In a remarkable feat of organisation I actually got these notes done well ahead of time! All ready to upload and everything. Eey!
Jeb and Nape return to inform you of their mind thinkings, observations, reviews, interviews and a couple of bangin' tunes thrown in for good measure and perhaps a soup-song of revenge... Eey!

Download

Tunes in this episode come from:

The Red Plastic Buddha - Forget Me Not
http://www.redplasticbuddha.com/

Chop Suzy - Goodbye
http://www.chopsuzymusic.com/


Please vote for us in the European Podcast Award and we'll send a pigeon over with some chocolate or something.
http://www.european-podcast-award.eu/uk/start/vote-and-win/personality/type/player/nc/1/uid/2209/podid/2209.html

Send feedback, go on! By pigeon to the usual pub rooftop or by that email thing on banter@bearcast.co.uk

CopePope (Cheers, Jim!) and Cage Vampire!

Best not send any correspondance to The Red Lion at this stage, just in case.

bearcast.co.uk - You want to go to there!

 
 
Jeb Bearstone
01 March 2011 @ 15:19
It's the end of the world! 2012 is approaching with the hobbled gait of a determined but very drunk assassin.

With any luck we'll all be destroyed before the land is suffocating under the weight of loads of people in shorts running about a bit being all athletic and suchlike.

It seems to me like the Olympics is having the same effect similar to that of a bunch of teenagers realising that their parents are coming back off holiday today and the house is a wreck.
I'm often walking by scaffolding after scaffolding, site after site of repairs, demolishing, rebuilding, jazzing up, renewing... plentifold extravagance that leaves me confused and still sober. So before I walk through the hallowed doors of my local for a pick-me-up or two I stare at the cranes and the gobbing builders and just shout, "Oi! Nuffing wrong with it. Piss off."
I can't see the point of it all. The air is filled with drills and hammers and swearing and big builders vehicles rumbling and hissing through all the hours and putting me well on edge.

Telly coverage is already picking up and will soon fill our senses with no room left in life for other, more noble pleasures such as shouting at Eastenders or watching The Sweeney and then running round the house pretending to shoot at scumbag crooks before banging your knee and trying not to cry because you're a grown up now and your mum is in another county.

And with the coverage growing, we'll also get to see more of that bloody awful logo. What a bloody mistake that was! Back in 2007 after the unveiling of this gobstrosity, early indications were a little poor:

"We've had a huge reaction to the launch of the new logo - most of it negative."

And in most recent news, hopeful that the organisers will finally take the bloody hint and change the damn thing:
"Iran could boycott the London Olympics after claiming the Games' 2012 logo is "racist" because it resembles the word "Zion" - a biblical term for Jerusalem."

So to summarize: Fuck it in the ear.
 
 
Jeb Bearstone
12 February 2011 @ 10:53

The benefit of living with a Docrtor Who fan and podcaster is that I can secretly indulge in my own little worship of the show. I reckon my secret's safe! Just watched Kinda, 5th Doctor story, which I actually remember from my youth. Due for release on 7th March The Mara Tales is looking mighty fine so far! The Biggest let down of the first tale, Kinda, was the rubbishy puppet snake at the end but... there's a CGI option you can watch that is frankly flippin' excellent. The Mara at the end looked bloody awesome! I had to have a strong cup of coffee and a ciggy to calm myself down. Brilliant!

This makes up for my night at the pub last night. As anyone who has read The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse will know, drinking for our kind is a tricky affair because, as recorded quite accurately in that book, our legs get drunk and trying to stand on your head so the booze reaches it is fraught with peril and threats of being barred. Which is what happened to me. Went to a pub in the city and it was full of suits and estate agents and iPad wielding tossbags. Trying to balance on my head at one point got me a shove which pitched me to the floor and then the swearing kicked in and I broke someone's ankle.

Time... for a bacon sandwich while I wait for my local to open. They love me there.

 
 
Jeb Bearstone

A fucking cable car.
 

Yes! Because that's what we need! More pointless spending of millions to connect people to a couple of places for the fucking Olympics!

It's brilliant that we're in so much financial trouble and businesses, libraries, pubs, shops, homes are being lost that we can spend a good few million quid on something completely frivolous like a fucking cable car.

Fuck the Olympics right in the ear. Cancel it, get the money back and stop wasting our fucking lives!URL:  www.bbc.co.uk

 
 
Jeb Bearstone
28 January 2011 @ 11:19
Guh. Might have been a pie that was off, or the beer or the wine I had yesterday but my tummy is a bit iffy today.

People often ask me how I'm alive and after I joke about it being a bloody miracle, seeing as I drink most pubs dry of an evening and sleep in a kebab given half the chance, I realise they mean because I'm made of cloth and stuffing and therefore shouldn't technically be moving about being all sentient and that.

I'll let you into a little secret... I don't bloody know!
I eat and drink and that gets turned into stuffing that gets absorbed or pooped out and suchlike and so forth. So I tell people, "I just am."

Right then, I'm off for a cure-all full breakfast and then going to sit in the pub with a newspaper (drawing moustaches and horns on all the pictures and filling in rude words in the crossword puzzle).

Come join me! Buy me a pint and I'll say, "Thanks!"

 
 
Jeb Bearstone
26 January 2011 @ 21:40

I think so!

Welcome then to the start of what is already http://lostbearings.com !

I feel all 2.0 and stuff.

You can now also email me directly at jeb@lostbearings.com and I will read them if I’m sober enough!

Eey!

So, how was your day?

 
 
Jeb Bearstone
25 January 2011 @ 10:22
If I did have such a thing as a business card, what would I put on it other than my contact details?
Watching Marty ordering his last night I was surprised he didn't add "Waster, Fat Bastard, Sheep Botherer" under his job title or profession or whatever it is he claims he does to keep me in beer.

I reckon for me I would put "Verified Awesome" as one. I dunno. I am though so at least mine would be accurate!

Going to go out to the café now. We're out of bacon and I'm hungry. If you see an old teddy bear munching on a bacon sarnie in a café any time soon, nip in and say, "You're awesome!"

Ta.

 
 
Jeb Bearstone
20 January 2011 @ 17:21
Dear Everyone,
It's a miserable old time of year out there at the moment. Shortly to be followed by extended periods of not-much-better.
I'd just like to take a moment out of my busy schedule* to wish everyone a speedy recovery from whatever ailment is currently holding you hostage and making a rubbish time worse.

Good cheer, you lot! I'll raise a brew your way and scoff a pie or two in your honour because you know what? You're bloody flippin' great you are.

All the best, you sniffly smashers!

Jeb



*waiting for the barlord to serve me some beer

 
 
Jeb Bearstone
19 January 2011 @ 15:37
Remember when you were young? I do. It was rubbish. Horrible carpets, no computers, limited sandwiches, flares. There was other stuff probably, can't really remember most of it now I've started.There was a point to this... first Amplify post or something similar? I dunno.'ello!
 
 
Jeb Bearstone
18 January 2011 @ 11:06
I woke up in the attic of my local pub this morning. I don't know how! I just did.
I discovered an old photograph that clearly has me on it - same shirt, buttons and Star Wars pyjama bottoms. Everything!
Now, this photo dates back to the 1800's AND I AIN'T THAT OLD!

After stumbling down to the kitchen and helping myself to some bacon and that, I started to wonder if there was some time-traveling experiment about to go wonky somewhere.

I listened for a humming, a build up of temporal power or whatever but I couldn't hear anything. Over the munching of my bacon sandwich.

So just in case I get lobbed through time, is there anything you'd like me to change while I'm back there?
Don't worry about paradoxes, I shit 'em.

 
 
Jeb Bearstone
17 January 2011 @ 19:41

There is a takeaway on the way today. Me an’ Terry are hiding out ready to nab it before Marty gets his fat chops on it.

Any plans, weapons, advice welcome.

 
 
Jeb Bearstone
07 March 2009 @ 09:28
oi oi!

Starting to pull together a revamped Bearcast, at least pondering it...

Until then, the latest links for everything are as such and so forth:



The Bearcast
http://bearcast.mevio.com
http://www.mevio.com/feeds/bearcast.xml
bearcast@ymail.com

Me and Terry talkint toot, couple of Podsafe tunes and general geniusness.


Lost Bearings Audio Adventure
http://beartopia.mevio.com
http://www.mevio.com/feeds/beartopia.xml

Our foray into acting in this full cast audio adventure. It's fucking funny and brilliant and one day we may even finish the last three episodes.



The Box Room Podcast


Marty and Jen steal the computer and do their own little podcast, bless 'em. Top banter though.



Until the future then!

Jeb.



Tags:
 
 
Jeb Bearstone
11 May 2008 @ 23:20

what? it's only been a year since i posted here. i have been busy, is that all right?

(i apologise i do)

what news eh? eh? eh?

well, first off, i suppose i'd better link to the new forum, the old forum, as linked in my previous post, broke and they took too long fixing it so here we are now: http://bearings.theforum.name/

second off, we've recorded three episodes of lost bearings - the audio adventure thing which can be found here:
http://www.esnips.com/web/UpdatedBearings
 
but also i are venturing, with the help of willem (our web bear), into the podcastings.
the first episode of which i are hoping to have out by the end of the month, this month, the may month.
 
here's the podcasty page where the episodes of the audio adventure thing are being held:
http://beartopia.btpodshow.com/
when we do an actual proper podcast in the same general site i will indeed post the link to that.
won't you, willem...
 
until then... eat plenty of pie and i'll see you there.
oioi!
jeb
















 
 
Jeb Bearstone
05 May 2007 @ 16:17
hello, my sausage monkeys.

please click the following link, have a peruse and then join. i shall buy you cake or beer or sausages if you do!

Lost Bearings

it's a new central hub for all the bears as having loads of different websites like myspaz and blogs and whatnot got a little too much i think. It's basically a forum setup which was the only way we could see of doing things.

you don't even have to talk about just the bears either. oh no indeed! you can have a chat about anything you like. you can talk about me with glowing praise though, i'd expect nothing less. ta.

would love to see you there.

cheers!

jeb and the boys.

oi oi!
 
 
Jeb Bearstone
27 April 2007 @ 09:26
unless i'm being the thickest bear in the woods, i can't see my jeb comic thing anywhere here. so here it bloody well is!

oi oi!

jeb


have it!
 
 
Jeb Bearstone
24 April 2007 @ 23:42
but i have to puttem froo a cut dunneye

 
 
Jeb Bearstone
21 April 2007 @ 01:15
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
 
 
Jeb Bearstone
17 April 2007 @ 00:03
Exclusive pics!

Ooh, you lucky bitches.

Yes, the Dark Tower is being all filmed and these are two pics snatched from on location.
We have Tequila Terry as 'The Bear in Black' and Jeb as 'Roland'... the last Gunslinger...

Thus:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
 
 
Jeb Bearstone
03 April 2007 @ 12:13
TerryTerryTerryTerry!!  
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
 
 
Jeb Bearstone
02 March 2007 @ 00:14
 
 
Jeb Bearstone
01 March 2007 @ 16:25
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
 
 
Jeb Bearstone
20 February 2007 @ 10:21
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
 
 
Jeb Bearstone
20 February 2007 @ 09:15
 
 
Jeb Bearstone
15 February 2007 @ 11:48
oi oi!

nice to see willem getting out and about, went to work with sennydreadful the other day. 


i hope he nicked terry that spiderman book...

 

ta ta.